Tomb Robber's Rulebook
by SSCeles
Summary: Character rant. Yami Bakura rants about his past life, modern day issues, and common sense people should have but don't. Do character rants count as a fic? People reviewed this high, but its discontinued for now.
1. kuruelna wasn't built in a day

Here I am, Yami Bakura, for the second time. Exactly five months ago I had another copy of this lovely rulebook of mine, and even though ff.net deleted it once, none of my fan girls should do without a copy of the Tombrobber's Rulebook.  
  
Basically I'm ranting about what a strange life I've lead, and what I've learned. So it isn't really a rule book... per say... Yah, sure, I give advice, not that you could actually do anything I did back in Egypt these days. In Egypt, they didn't have armed police guards, security cameras, or a getaway car. And talent can't be taught. So um, lets begin!  
  
*****  
  
Today's lesson: Kurueluna wasn't built in a day, and it was destroyed in a matter of minutes.  
  
First question you're gonna ask, where is Kuruelna, and why am I bringing it up? First of all, it's where I was born and grew up for the first eight years of my life. Second, if you haven't heard of it, thats normal, don't look like a deer in the headlights of a speeding car. Not all of you are so lucky to have someone translate the Egypt Arc manga for you.  
  
Back to the topic: Kuruelna. This has another translation, Kurueruna, which is also correct. Put it this way: it was lost in translation. In Egyptian, Arabic, and Japanese, r's and l's are rolled together as one, and can be translated either way. Kind of like the Spanish 'r' in Maria. This wierd r/l thing also happened to Malik's name, and all the Japanese kids freaked over it. Now, if that happened to my name, I'd be pissed. I mean really, Bakura or Bakula? I would sound like Dracula that strange vampire dude.  
  
Now for your history lesson: Kuruelna, or Kurueruna, whichever you prefer, was my home town like I said. It was originally built for the builders working on the pyramids, but once the big stone triangles were built, they didn't get anymore pay, so, they just went right back into the pyramids and stole everything. Classic. This answers any questions on my decision of being a tomb robber.  
  
Around the time I was eight years old, Egypt was having a sort of cival war. The whole 'good' vs. 'evil' thing didn't concern us in Kuruelna. Why would it? We were just a bunch of thieves, right? Not quite. Now... it wouldn't have affected us, if the IDIOTS at the palace didn't decide to sacrifice MY village to quell the fighting between the gods. I, for your information, was the ONLY survivor of that little massacre, and it wasn't the prettiest thing. And you know what else ticked me off? Getting yourself out of a burning village with blocked exits isn't easy. By the time I did escape, I suddenly had a scar on my right cheek that I'd carry for the rest of my past life.  
  
Those are the reasons for hating pharaoh, and I was only told he was the one who did it. And I wouldn't doubt that. He's pharaoh, what pharaoh wouldn't want to destroy a town of thieves? Aw, come ON mortals, who is that cold hearted?! I can't believe he had no memory of that. Geesh.  
  
Though... I could be wrong... if it wasn't pharaoh, he still should have at least known about it, right? I mean really, those stupid priests really need to ask permission before blowing up any town they want.   
  
I was only eight at the time, but I was pissed. I had no where to go. But that was fun... I could go anywhere, I wasn't forced to stay in any one spot with a family. I had no attachments to anyone. A rolling stone gathers no moss.  
  
My entire life in Egypt I was a thief and damn proud of it. Screw the pharaoh and his government. So there you have it. Kuruelna wasn't built in a day, but it was destroyed in a matter of minutes. Pathedic how destiny screws up your life like that, eh?  
  
******  
  
So what did we learn today?  
  
That's right, life sucks. Get over it. Do what you want, no matter what. The worse they can do is kill you slowly and painfully, but if you had set your mind to it, you won't have any regrets. Hell, you might even die laughing.   
  
Alright, there's the rule: Never give up.  
  
Basing this around Egypt, what topic do I cover next: How I discovered my soul monster, my life as a thief in general, ranting more about how idiotic the priests are, or how I got the Sennen Ring? I don't know yet, you'll just have to wait and see. Reviewing would be nice, onegai. Ja for now, mortals. 


	2. safety hazards, nusery rhymes, and below...

Oh good! I knew I'd get attention once I reposted my rulebook. Thank Ra there are still people out there who haven't forgotten about it! By the way, I still have a copy of all the rules I covered in the original that got deleted, so I know what I'm doing.  
  
*******  
  
Our next topic: Door subject to close, don't walk into it. If you do, stop walking.  
  
This section is pretty much on safety hazards. People can be safety hazards. Yes, even doors, toasters, and pencil sharpeners can be safety hazards. Basically, if it hurts don't do it. If you run headlong at wall, you'll usually hit it.   
  
If you have magic abilities allowing you to pass through solid walls... (speaking from expirience) make sure you can make it all the way out the other side, or else you'll fuse WITH the wall, and its not pretty. I tested it on a rat, just to see what happened. It's physically impossible.  
  
And yes. Pencil sharpeners hate me and I hate them too. Next topic!  
  
*******  
  
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers how many peppers did Peter Piper pick?  
  
Ugh...nusery rhymes... Um, well, lets get to specifics... A peck is half as much as you can carry. So he didn't pick enough. But then again... he couldn't have picked any of them because you can't pick already pickled peppers. And you aren't suppossed to pickle peppers anywho, so its just a stupid little kid rhyme that makes absolutely no sense, ne?  
  
Another nusery ryhme that has to do with the plague.  
  
(Oh no! Not the plague! It's the attack of the killer locasts! Ooooh...I'm so afraid! Not...)  
  
Ok, the ryhme that goes "Ring around the rosy, pocket full of posy, ashes, ashes, we all fall down." Is actually quite disgusting if you understand the being behind it.   
  
You see, there was this mass plague up in Europe (no, it was NOT my fault, I didn't do it) and everyone would get bitten by flies, get sick, have red rashes everyplace, then keel over dead. They though if they kept sugary sweet and good smelling things in thier pockets it would keep the evil pesky flies away. But it didn't work, and they all died anyways. But then, what to do with the disease ridden bodies? Well, they creamated them. (ashes, ashes) And they all fell down.  
  
Now... you really want the little kids (be it your siblings or the kids on the school bus) singing about people dying? Geesh... its disturbing, I tell you.  
  
*******  
  
Below zero numbers in algebra classes.  
  
What are the below zero numbers suppossed to represent? How much tax money you owe the pharaoh? How much stuff you've stolen? How much community service you need to do to make up for the said stolen stuff?  
  
I mean, honestly, what ARE minus numbers used for? Below freezing temperatures on the temperature gage? Well, hello. In Egypt, I doesn't get below freezing, even in winter at night. And we didn't HAVE temperature gages back then. Hell, we didn't have a very good number system. It was tally marks with little looptyloops for tens and stuff. But we had no zeros.  
  
Now...this whole "school" thing. You, by your country's government, are forced to go to school, correct? And your parents must PAY to put you in school, correct? Now, make a connection. They are forced to pay money for you to do something you don't want to do.  
  
And haven't they ever heard the phrase, "One who does many things does none of them well?" A Greek said that. Greeks are too smart for their own good. I dislike Greeks... Nevertheless, Greeks know what they're talking about. Since they teach us so much junk at school, we'll never be the best we can be at anything. I mean, they should just teach us one thing for four years, and then let us all be scribes or something.  
  
Now, you see, I didn't go to a school in Egypt. Only rich kids who wanted to be priests had to do that sort of stuff. Pharaoh probably had to put up with it. Just think, I'm out having the time of my life running from guards around in a labyrinth under a pyramid, and the pharaoh is sitting in his palace, carving words into a plank of stone with a chisel. Or maybe... nah... he probably had papyrus and feather pens... he's rich enough for that.  
  
******  
  
So what have we covered today? Know the safety hazards of your environments, think twice before letting little kids sing demented songs, and try to explain my theory to a teacher at school and make them go on strike. Instant vacation for you! Congrats!  
  
The rules we've covered today:   
  
If it hurts, don't do it. If you walk into a swinging door, stop walking before the door hits you. Duct tape is handy when dealing with possessed little kids, and school is a meaningless brain rotting expirience.  
  
(on a side note, as my hikari insists you do, don't ever actually do anything i tell you too...)(i don't own yugioh!)  
  
Ja ne, onegai, review and give me a little moral support here. 


	3. stalking, thievery, hijacking, and partn...

Oh, fleas? Really? *blinks* Well all bugs are annoying. Anything that sucks blood is offically dangerous. I don't have a problem with the l/r thing, but the people who do keep arguing with me on how I type it. (mental note to self: banish those people to the shadow realm)   
  
Anyways...Hmmmm....*reading reviews* Now there's an interesting topic....  
  
******  
  
Topic Four: stalking and being a thief  
  
Ever done it? It's quite fun actually. People can be so predictable sometimes. Best if you do it where you can't be seen or suspected. Another tip: bring a video camera and a tape recorder for some blackmail to use later. Heh heh...  
  
This goes right into the next topic, how to pick pocket.  
  
This, along with most types of common thievery, are done as a partner 'sport'. You need a partner in crime to distract the 'victim' while you grab something of theirs. A wallet, purse, jewelry, sweater, candy... whatever your little heart desires. After you steal whatever it is, back up a few dozen steps and watch from a safe distance as they stupidly walk off either not missing the stolen object, or are frantically searching for the said wallet.  
  
In Egypt, truth to tell, I had several partners in crime. Some were temporary, some I met in a pub, some I killed off, some tried to turn me in so I robbed them blind and knocked them out and stranded them in the middle of the desert. Cruel, aren't thou?  
  
*******  
  
Plenty of people want to know about me. I can see why...I suppose... anyone wanna bet half a pound of solid gold that I have enough fangirls to take over the world for me? Hmmmm...  
  
So now, more about me:  
  
Alright, starting after Kuruelna was burnt to the ground (*pokes a pharaoh voodoo doll*), I began to wander around in the shade by the Nile. I actually hijacked a small barge. A fish barge. Aka, it smelled like fish. I pushed the driver over board and paddled away quickly, leaving the poor fool to splash around and wade to shore.  
  
The Nile, as I'm sure you've all heard (how could you not) was the life blood of Egypt. We got food there, water, transportation, irrigation systems, etc. Other uses: its cold. Its water. Water=good. Good=water. Ok...you get my point...  
  
Anywho...after I hijacked the barge, sold the fish to some guy in the next city up the Nile (the Nile flows upstream, go figure) I then went around stealing stuff. No reason. I was bored. And hungry.  
  
*******  
  
Another easily made mistake: I am NOT, I repeat, NOT albino. Look, albinos have this thing about the sun with their skin, they burn quickly because they have no pigments. I do. I have white hair, but I'm NOT albino, got it, mortals?  
  
I had shoulder length white hair, tanned skin, and a scar on my right cheek. Any good fan could have told you that. But if I were albino, I would be dead.   
  
But nevertheless, white hair wasn't a good thing either. I was easily spotted. Once I became widely known as a thief, they could spot me in the crowd by my hair and know where I was. I often had to where head-dresses and stuff like that. And those can get hot and sticky in the direct sun, ya know?  
  
For the record, everyone in present day Domino City and elsewhere had a past self in Egypt.  
  
Yes. Even Malik.  
  
Though never really mentioned in the manga (like they're gonna tell you every little detail, NOT), I had my friends and allies and fellow rebels against the pharaoh. By the age of fourteen I had a top rankings at a pub, everyone either avoided me, or crowded around me wondering what my loot was for the day.  
  
Malik was one such person. He was the son of a preist, and had the floor plans to the newest pyramid being built. He was loyal and had all the perfect qualities of a partner in crime. And he was, but that was usually a weekly thing. I preferred to go tombrobbing alone. But afterwards I'd stop at his little hang out. He actually ranaway from home and built his own house on a hidden little oasis out in the desert. It was small, but man, was it twenty degrees cooler there.   
  
Though the past Malik was my 'friend' and all, I wasn't really ever friends with anyone. I was detatched from society, and I liked it that way. And in Egypt, he didn't have the Sennen Rod, Priest Seto did.  
  
Wierd random fact: Seto and Yugi are cousins.  
  
End random fact.  
  
*******  
  
Rules covered today: Better to be thought an idiot than to open your mouth in public and remove all doubt.  
  
Pick a good partner in crime. Be a loner - it keeps your mind focased. When stalking someone, any secrets you can pick up on are very useful as blackmail, bring evidence.  
  
*******  
  
Next chapter I'll explain how I got the Sennen Ring for those of you who asked, and I'll think of a couple more witty things to say... I always do, ne? And how do you know I don't think like I do? Like you would understand the mind of criminal mastermind and evil genius anyways. But no. I'm better. I have a title. I am Touzoku-ou. The Thief King. So hah. Double HAH. Beat that, mr.pharaoh-who-burnt-my-viliage-to-a-crisp. BWHAHAHAHA! Wait...why am I laughing again? ...oh...well...just review... 


	4. woodchucks dont chuck wood, evil is over...

Of course I can speak and type English. Dear Ra, some of you people are bakas... Meh... oh well. I am fairly good with computers. But you wouldn't know that because you probably never saw the first series of YuGiOh! with all other games besides Duel Monsters. And after being stuck with a kid with a heavy British accent for four years, who wouldn't learn some basic English? I'm even starting to sound like Ryou. I can't believe I actually said 'cheerio' to his friends on a couple occasions. *shudders* No more insanity, please!  
  
******  
  
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?  
  
The little furball wouldn't chuck any. Woodchucks are like groundhogs, moles, praire dogs, and other such furry rodents that live under ground digging tunnels. They don't chuck wood at all. Simple.  
  
******  
  
And...there was a question I heard about being evil in general. Why do people spend so much time talking about their evil plans yet not actually just getting the good guy out of the picture permanently? Simple. Most evil people are idiots.  
  
Note what I just said. Most evil people. Not all. Not me. Now, Malik is blond. He's evil. He's not a complete idiot. That defy's two laws of existance. He's blond and evil and he doesn't act stupid. I really must congradulate him for that some time...  
  
Now, why don't I just kill of little Yugi? Good question. I WOULD. And I try. But I find it so much more easier to just half team up with him, get on his good side, then viciously backstab him when he's not looking. Acting like my hikari really pays off. I don't really need to get rid of him for my plan to work. Hell, I've got all eternity to do it, I'm immortal, just get off my case...  
  
*****  
  
On another note: Yes, I'll repeat it from the last chapter: Seto and the pharaoh are cousins. Want me to draw you a verbal family tree? Ok, fine, I will.  
  
There were seven priests in Egypt. Only two of them ever concerned me, pharaoh not included. I was like, the interbreeding of them rich people just HAS to stop. Really, when you think about it, everybody is related...  
  
But to the point. In ancient Egypt, Yami's father's brother's son is Seto. Was that too fast for you? Pharaoh Yami's father - Pharaoh Akunamukanon's brother - Priest Akunadin's son- Priest Seto. Newsflash, wierd family tree!  
  
*****  
  
Now onto how I got the Sennen Ring. And no, I didn't 'find' it in a tomb. Though... that is where I got it, in a sense. Mahado was the priest who owned the Sennen Ring. I, as you know, was known as Touzoku-ou, the Thief King throughout Egypt. I was certainly bugging all the priests, mostly because I was stealing food and offerings and random gold articles from all the temples and tombs that weren't sealed in.  
  
So the fools tried to come up with a plan to catch me. They built a tomb in the middle of nowhere expecting me to come. And I did. But they didn't know I knew what they were doing all along. Word spreads fast in the small villas.  
  
The priest Mahado was there, and went in the tomb. I, with my ka soul monster, Diabound, waltzed right in there and into the tomb. The only one little detail I didn't know about is that they sealed it off so neither the priest or I could get out. Fools. I could get out, and guess what? I did. I defeated the priest in a duel, killed him off, and stole the Sennen Ring. This greatly increased my shadow powers, and I realised that since they Sennen Items were created from the souls of those in my old town Kuruelna, I knew that I had the right to claim all the Sennen Items, their power, and then get my revenge on pharaoh and the rest of the cruel world.  
  
I wasn't really any different than pharaoh, and this got me angry. I knew my shadow powers had increased, like I said, and I knew I could face pharaoh with Diabound, who had also grown in strength because of my anger. But we'll discuss more on that later...  
  
*****  
  
Rules covered: The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Do unto others before they do unto you. You're only in trouble if you get caught. Being 'evil' is over-rated, make you're own side. 


	5. the dead guys aren't gonna use the gold ...

Do I have a copy of my old rulebook? No...wish I did... though I do have a list of rules, anyone want that?  
  
******  
  
Grrr.... bakas who take rumors for granted beware! How many of you have actually gone out and bought an Arabic translation guide? Malik's name doesn't mean "pharaoh."  
  
Maalik-master  
  
Maaliki-king  
  
Those are the only words related to him in connection to Arabic. And now for his sister, Isis:  
  
Isis-the Egyptian god  
  
Ta Da! Why all the commotion over that?  
  
*******  
  
Why do I have such a bad duel monsters deck? Well how can you be so sure? I've beaten everyone I've ever faced EXCEPT the damn pharaoh and Malik's insane other half? No one has ever beaten pharaoh, so those duels didn't count. Yami Malik won because that's his destiny sort of thing...  
  
I don't have a perfect deck, I admit, but how many of you have enough talent to be on a SHOW? Hmmm? Anyone?  
  
******  
  
Do I like Ryou? Hell.... I knew this question would come up sooner or later... Well...heh heh...  
  
Yes, in Ancient Egypt, the pharaoh, the priest, just about everyone didn't care who their partner was as long as they looked pretty, right? They really didn't care about being homosexual, and if the pharaoh did it, everyone else would simple go off and follow his example.  
  
Was I affected by this? I don't know, maybe, I don't see a problem with guy-guy couples.  
  
But listen to this: In both the anime and manga, Ryou and I did not have seperate bodies. Soul rooms are a different matter. How is it possible for you people to write fanfics of us with that little problem in the way?  
  
So what if I do like Ryou? It isn't any of your business. And up to the Battle City tournament, he didn't even know me. When Malik wanted me to force Yugi's hand and make him forfeit by letting Ryou free of my control, I realized something. I needed him. If anything happened to him, it would happen to me. But if something happened to me, it wouldn't affect him. I ignored Malik and protected my hikari from Slifer's attack.  
  
And you know what? I did that ONLY because I needed him to survive. Earlier in Battle City (though WB dubbed it out of the American version of the show) I was the one who cut my own arm open with a knife to weaken Ryou, thus sealing my deal with Malik. I didn't care about Ryou then at all. In fact, I could've cared less.  
  
Other than that are you curious as to whether I have some kind of emotional feelings for my hikari? Well if my current answer wasn't good enough for you, do you want a simple yes or no? Well...hate to burst your bubble, but I'm not telling. And I'm not letting Ryou tell any of you either. Find your own conclusion.  
  
And as I said... I have no problem with guy-guy relationships... Yaoi and shonen-ai are fine... hate to admit that though, now you people are going to really start assuming too much about Ryou and me...  
  
******  
  
And now onto today's main topic! In ancient Egypt, I was a thief. Duh. But why did I steal stuff? Multiple reasons for different things...  
  
Yes, there is always a thrill to stealing things. Whoo! Quite fun, actually. An addictive hobby of mine was tomb robbing as you all know. But why did I steal from the tombs of the pharaohs? Greed, more thrill seeking? Didn't I have ANY respect whatsoever for the dead coots?  
  
Nope. No respect at all. I mean really. They wasted all their time building some stupid pyramid. And now for my definition of pyramid: A large shiny four sided triangle built with oversized bricks for the purpose of...WRONG! Not to get the fools to the afterlife! All they really did was attract tomb robbers like myself.  
  
And it was quite common to walk into a tomb and already find it looted and empty... Now...it's not like the dead guys are actually gonna use any of that good stuff in the after life, right? In fact, what is this 'after life' you speak of? Geesh... I steal gold and things like that so I can either use them myself, or sell them on the black market.  
  
Food was a different matter. I never had a second thought about food or clothes, those I just took without any fuss. Another thing, I only steal from those who are rich and go around bragging about it. Call it a soft spot, but I was once just as poor as the poor people.   
  
So I steal because I must to survive, but also for the thrill of it.  
  
*******  
  
rules or whatever you learned: Better to understand a little than to misunderstand alot. Love is like a spork: It holds you, and it can stab you too. Most thieves don't know the difference between oppurtunity and temptation. 


	6. strange clothing, strange hair, and buil...

Wow... now you people are trying to get into technical little details. I'll answer what I can, but, really, I'm no scribe...  
  
In Arabic, there are two ways to say 'a'. There's 'a' and then 'aa' which is ah. But they're just dots above, below, or around the letter they go by. I use 'aa' sound though, which is why when I'm translating stuff from Arabic, I put an 'aa' instead of an 'a'. It looks better, ne? Kind of like adding a 'u' in favorite. Favourite. And color. Colour.  
  
And um... Dooboro? Never heard of that, but I suppose it has to do with where you live at all... but lets see, my soul monster was Diabound, which is the closest I can come to that name. I haven't watched a whole lot of movies either, but if I see Lawrence of Arabia one at the rental place, I'll have my hikari get it for me...  
  
Mystic Avenger, I've been around for five millennia, do you think I have the best memory about people I met in bars? Especially when I'm drunk and the like, but um, its possible I bought you a drink or something... I did do stuff like that when I was in a rather 'happy' mood.  
  
Some of you people were wondering why after the Battle City thing why I gave the sennen eye to Yugi. Heh...well, like I said, I always try to act nice and team up with him until just the right moment, and then I backstab him, and run off with all the other items.   
  
*******  
  
Clothing in Ancient Egypt wasn't quite exactly like it was on the show and in the manga. The one that really ticks alot of people off is Seto's purple and gold get-up. Really now, we did have purple linens, and we had plenty of gold we wore, but Egyptian gold is redder than, for example, Californian gold. Californian gold is yellowish.  
  
But I'm not going to go off and rant about gold...   
  
In the real ancient Egypt, there were lots of linens. From paper thin to delicately woven. When a dead guy was buried in his tomb, they would leave large bolts of linen cloth all over the place. They were easy to grab, and could be reused if you stole 'em and sold them on the black market as well.  
  
Also, sometimes you'd see in the manga the pharaoh wearing what looks like shorts or puffy pants. Well... that's off. Everyone wore kilt looking skirt things. Yes. Even me.  
  
What annoys me more than the clothing was the hair. Personally, I don't know what Takahashi was thinking when he gave everyone weird hair. In Egypt, it was common for most people to be shaved nearly bald and then to wear wigs.   
  
I don't know why pharaoh looks like a rainbowfied porcupine, I don't know how Malik turned out blond, and I don't know how I ended up with white hair and yet not be albino.  
  
And as I said, everyone had a past self. Joey was a warrior for the pharaoh. Did I mention he tried to kill me on several occasions? Oh well, he's an okay guy, not the shiniest apple, but hey, no one is perfect. Thanks for reviewing, anywho.  
  
******  
  
What other powers did the Sennen Ring have? Well you know I can seal souls in inanimate objects, but the ring also greatly increased my shadow powers. I can summon monsters faster than the other sennen items, and with less difficulty. And of course, the pointers on the ring will point to the nearest five items for me.  
  
In Egypt, using my soul monster, kaa, and the sennen ring I could cover myself in darkness and become invisible and walk through solid walls. Awesome, ne? Though it was draining on my powers, it was useful. It's much easier when I'm not in any hurry just to have the pointers on the ring guide me through a labyrinth, rather than just walking through the walls. It's tiring.  
  
If you read the Egypt Arc manga, you'll also see the ring also slightly lets me throw people around like rag dolls, but most any sennen item can do that if they tried.  
  
In fact, all the sennen items have several things in common. Though it may not seem like it, all sennen items can trap a person's soul in a card. A card. Mine allows me to place their souls in anything, or wherever I want. All sennen items can summon monsters. Mine can summon them unusually faster, depending on if I'm angry or not. All items also double as a flashlight. ...off topic...  
  
Speaking of built in flashlights, how about the eye on Yami Malik's forehead. How can he sleep with that on?   
  
******  
  
rules: If at first you don't succeed, try a different method. If we learn best by observing, why aren't we allowed to cheat? If you can't beat them, join them, and then back stab them and run like heck. Most geniuses are insane, to become a genius, you must become insane.  
  
******  
  
I'm working on scrounging up the old rules, um, just leave your email address in your review if you want them, alright? Though I am giving the rules at the bottom of each chapter. And basically, what I'll be sending you will more overly be a summary of what I talked about, some of them are rules, others are things to think about, others were just questions I was asked. 


	7. why'd the chicken cross the road, fun th...

For lack of topic suggestions for this chapter I give you:  
  
Which came first, the chicken, or the egg? And... why DID the chicken cross the road?  
  
Well, dinosaurs layed eggs long before chickens existed. Problem one solved. And the chicken crossed the road because Joey and Tristin were hungry and chasing it with a butcher knife. There. See, I'm a genius!  
  
Why is the grass greener on the other side?  
  
...because the other side lives in a semi-tropical climate, whereas this side lives in the middle of desert? Um... because one side has cows? Because one side can afford fertilizer? Since one side is more obessed with good lawn care? I...really don't know this one, folks.  
  
Have you ever been annoyed by people who keep talking in a whole bunch of internet lingo, 100% of the time. g2g k wb ygm lol lmao and such stuff like that? After a while, yah, you'll get used to it, but try this for the heck of it: Invent new ones of your own and see how long people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance before they ask what it means.  
  
Ever been so bored that you'd do anything for a little entertainment, yet, I forgot to update my rulebook? Well, there are some pretty neat websites out there that'll entertain you. Like, today's pick of the day: 50 annoying things to do in an elevator to freak everyone else out! It's at http://www.btinternet.com/~jazzygm/rants/fubar/funny/elevator.shtml  
  
******  
  
The best thing I've ever stolen? The ring, of course.  
  
The eye doesn't glow on any sennen item owner's forehead unless their seriously pissed or using a great deal of shadow magic. I keep my cool in any situation, so, no, it doesn't happen to me often. In fact, you won't see it in the anime.  
  
When did I actually meet the pharaoh? I'd seen him plenty of times just...around... he had these big parade things at least once every season. But the time I actually met him and actually dueled him was when I dragged his father's dead body up to the pharaoh's royal court yard and told pharaoh how much I hated him.  
  
Any tips for aspiring evil duelists like myself? Freaky laughs are a must. And laugh even when you know you're losing. No... espcially when you're losing, because you'll confuse your opponent. Oh, and, don't ever forfeit a game.  
  
And now for the quote you've given me so everyone else can see it:  
  
Don't criticize anyone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.  
  
I know I've heard that elsewhere too... must add that to my rulebook... thanks for the idea.  
  
******  
  
Back in Egypt, who's incarnations did I know? Well... Seto was the priest, yah, I had a run in or two with that jerk...er...ahem...guy... And of course Yuugiou who was the pharaoh. Joey was the warrior guy, who probably had a little sister. I also knew Anzu (Tea minus the friendship rants, thank Ra). Anzu lived just out side the palace and was semi-rich because she was a good duelist, even the pharaoh would duel her when he got bored.  
  
Mai was an entertainer who sort of doubled as a sly street dancer with hired pick pocketers who went around robbing everyone blind while they were distracted by her. I never really fell for that, she wasn't worth watching, certainly not worth drooling over like some fools were. For example, the past self of Rex. He was just a common person. Not sure about him, I saw him around a couple times though.   
  
Um, Mako was a fisher-dude person, duh. Espa was a guy who got drunk in a bar one night after the pharaoh fired him for not being a real physic. Haga (Weevil) was obsessed with scarab beetles and proudly displayed his selection everytime he got the chance. In fact he had his own little booth. And whenever I found a gold scarab token in one of the tombs, he'd pay me a good price for it.  
  
Malik was a thief friend of mine. Constantly acting hyper, but he had a serious side too, but that only came out if he was actually feeling sorry for somebody. And that was rare. Isis was a priest who was, duh, named after the goddess. Duke probably made some kind of appearence in Egypt, I think he invented the dice game of sennet...   
  
Now all that's coming from me, you aren't gonna find that in the manga. In fact, the manga isn't that reliable at all. Go read fanfics if you want what really went on, ya know? I mean, the manga only had like a page and a half on Kuruelna, and that was a big part of my life they cut out there.  
  
******  
  
rules: Better on the safe side than on the dead side. Do nothing unless you benifit. If you don't know; guess. You're only in trouble if you get caught. The best part about not caring what everyone else thinks is watching them edge away in fear. Don't criticize anyone until you've walked a mile in their shoes, then you'll be a mile away and in their shoes. Free shoes!  
  
******  
  
I do hope you mortals are taking notes and writing down the rules and saving the chapters for me. If this gets deleted by ff.net again, I don't have a second copy of it, and whoever saves another copy of this for me gets a pat on the head and a cookie. 


	8. better on the safe side than on the dead...

How did Mana turn into the dark magician girl? Well it wasn't just cute little Mana. It was Kisara too, she became the blue eyes white dragon, and she was Seto's girlfriend sort of, so that's how that worked out. But anyways, I wasn't around when Mana became the magician girl. Most of the priests did what they could for the pharaoh to help him defeat me. The pharaoh and I were trapped into sennen items, and they just... became members of the shadow realm for the game.  
  
And now for more on Kisara. No. She was not Joey's sister. I've done research. Serentiy (Shizuka) has long red hair and brown eyes. The blue-eyed Kisara, had well, blue eyes and blond hair. Now... you see, Seto wanted a break from palace life and disguised himself as a peasent and went into a small town. He saw a the blond girl being beaten for her supposed bad luck on the village. Seto realised blond hair was a rarity in Egypt, and totally displeased at them hurting the girl, saved her and brought her back to palace to get her some food and get her healthy again. Yes... even Seto can be nice when he feels like it. Seto and the other priests discovered that the girl's spirit kaa was that of the powerful white dragon. Seto and Kisara discussed this, and she willingly gave her spirit kaa to Seto... though that did kill her, and I have yet to understand why she did that...  
  
******  
  
I don't think I'll answer the question about Yami Malik's butt, I don't want to know, and I don't even want him to know I was ever asked about him... But, for the other question, why's his pocket's full of? Well he puts his other dueling decks in there. He has several because he went out and got all the perfect cards and made more than deck.  
  
And then, what were my parents like? ...really... I was too young to remember much. Dad was either gone alot, or left and didn't come back. Mom fixed all the food, and it used to be good, too... But that was along time ago, honestly, I don't know many details. Mom had the same hair color as me, I don't know about dad though. Oh well.  
  
Who's the scariest person I've ever met? Tea Gardener. I don't mind the the original version of Anzu... but Tea... she rants about friendship way too much for her own good. I swear she watches Barney and Mr. Roger's Neighborhood every chance she gets... truly horrifying... Then again... walking in on Yami Yugi in his underwear singing to Britney Spears is pretty creepy too.  
  
Better safe than sorry. Better paranoid than dead. Sum it up: Better on the safe side than on the dead side.  
  
******  
  
When do I come back into the anime? Well, thing is, I never left. I'm in the puzzle, remember? *shakes head sadly* Actually, as soon as the anime starts up where the manga left off, I'll be in the first couple of episodes, and then the rest of the anime would be primarily based around me and my past life. Personally, I'm wondering if my voice is gonna change when they do the flashbacks... Basically, the Egypt Arc starts after the Noah thing, probably some kind of mini series (like the duke thing again or something...) and then they'll start from duelist kingdom again and rerun all the episodes. And then perhaps they'll start the Egypt Arc, if they don't invent another season in between.  
  
The Egypt Arc starts when Yugi's grandpa tells him exactly how he happened upon the Puzzle, and then someone comes and tries to steal the items and god cards from Yugi. I catch the guy, and fake a friendship between Yugi so I can get closer to, of course, ruling the world. I'm not stupid, I know he has more than half the items, if I help him, I can back stab him at the last moment, ne? Tch... if only I got my chance the first time. But I'll have another one, too. I don't think they've even finished with the Egypt Arc yet.  
  
What ticks me off the most about that arc? They have only about TWO pages on Kuruelna. My past counts! It explains why I'm such a bad-ass, and now people only like me for my good looks, but I'm not all looks! I have revenge in mind, and people think I just go around killing people for no reason. Of course I have a reason! Well... most of the time...ah heh heh...  
  
******  
  
Ok, you who want copies of the rulebook, I'm working on making a list up and putting it online on a website. Then you can print it off any size you want for your own easy convience. Most of this stuff is common sense anyways, so its basically up for reference.  
  
I'll post my rulebook up on my website soon, and I'll email those who left their addresses about it as soon as its up.  
  
******  
  
Random things that really irritate me:  
  
People who ask you what time it is while pointing at their wrist where their watch is suppossed to be. I know where MY watch is, buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my butt when I gotta find a bathroom? My ra... idiots these days... You people are truly creatures of habit.  
  
And yes, I want to have my cake AND eat it too. What's the use of having one if you can't eat it?  
  
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?  
  
In a movie theater people shake your shoulder and point at the screen and go, "Did you just see that?!" And I'm like, "What? You think I payed five dollars to get in and stare at the floor? Of course I saw that explosion, it lit up the entire cinema for Ra's sake!"  
  
People who go, "Can I ask you a question?" Wow. Look. You just did.  
  
At the bus stop people will go, "Has the bus come yet?" Um...hello?! Why would I be standing here if the bus already passed?  
  
Honestly. The world would be a hell lot smarter if stupidity was painful.  
  
People who constantly repeat the obvious. You send someone to the shadow realm and they go,   
  
"Its dark in here! Woah... very dark. I can't see anything. Where did all the light go?!" No shit, Sherlock, how long did it take you to figure that out? And did it hurt? Another one that's common is, "It's cold in here. Brrrr!" Now, if stuff like that doesn't get on your nerves, you have a higher tolerence level than the living dead spirits like me..  
  
******  
  
rules: Better on the safe side than on the dead side, save your own butt first. Beware the power of stupid people in large groups. When you make a mistake, immeadiatly correct yourself and make the other person think they were the one who got it wrong. Expirience is something you don't get until right after you need it.  
  
******  
  
Next chapter will have a slight discussion about world religions, and why we shouldn't fight over little picky differences between them. If you don't want to read that section, don't. You flame and your sinning anyways. So hah. Double hah. Double bwahahahaha! Err... evil cackle moment...don't mind me. 


	9. world religions, beware the furry animal...

*****  
  
WARNING: SECTION ON RELIGION, DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ.  
  
Hate to drive some of you people away from further reading my rulebook, but honestly... the majority of the religions. (in piticular: Christian, Arabic, Jewish, Catholic, Protestant) are all EXACTLY the damn same. The bibles (korans, torahs, etc) are all the freakin same. Sorry to rain on your parade, but, I don't even like the Egyptian religion. Yes... there are miracles. And simply because all those religions are the same, talk about the same god, then they're probably closest to being true as you're gonna get. But never be blind about what the other religions are, especially if their so similar to your own. I'm merely saying this to prove a point that people shouldn't argue and fuss and fight and kill eachother over something that happened a million or two years ago. All those religions has someone who'll forgive you for your sins... but, hate to tell you all the bad news, but not a single soul in this world over the age of six is 100% pure and not on something. So, follow your religions, live a happy life, go to your rightful place when you die, but please, please you baka mortals you, don't bicker over minority details, please. Spare me the headache.  
  
(note, I'm not ever, EVER gonna bring up the topic of religion again. religion and politics do not mix. religion and obvious facts don't mix. religions, aliens, dinosaurs, and the world NOT being flat don't mix either. relgions were created when the world was still flat in everyone's opinion, ne? and even the egyptians new the world was round... and atlantis doesnt fit religion either. now explain the pyramids on four different conintents to me... honestly, i refuse to discuss religion. arguing is pointless.)  
  
END RELIGION RANT  
  
******  
  
Animals, Furry Cute Pets...riiiight.  
  
Don't be fooled by any animals cute and cuddly appearance. They're natural predators, most of whom would happily rip your eyes out if they had the chance. The only animal I find alright as pets are cats and dogs, simply because they're independent enough to know when to bugger off and probably wouldn't try to eat you because they like their food being provided for them.   
  
Am I egotistic? No. Not nearly compared to those who think they're perfect. But I do have high goals of my own, won't let anyone stand in my way, and I find I'm better than the stupid people anyways. Stupid people are below me. Hopefully, your on the same evolutionary level. Now... Yami Malik and Yami Yugi. Big egos. Yami Malik thinks he is better than everybody, and will win because he's favored by the gods. Meh... that's sad. And Yami Yugi. Its not quite that he has an ego, but its the annoying factor is that he can't lose a single duel (forfeiting excluded).  
  
Sports. Humurous to watch. Good exercise. But if you don't have what it takes to learn a bunch of rules, run around on command, and be competetive without actually killing anyone... well... then it isn't just the right career for you. Have you noticed the stereotype football jockey is an idiot?   
  
I don't stereotype people much. Just smart people and stupid people. But you see, I was a thief and low-life peasent. However, I made much, much more than the others in my stereotype. I was different. I was clever, but I had people following me around asking me for advice. I wasn't afraid of people insulting me. Sure, I let them mock me all they want. They mock me because I'm different. I mock them because they're all the same. BORING! Ok, next topic.  
  
Annoying use of the word "gay." In good old English, the dictionary defintion of "gay" means "happiness." In today's slang it means "homosexual." Now...calling your computer gay because it crashes isn't the proper use of either word. The computer can't have any kind of relationship with any other nearby computer and computer's have no emotions, so it is not happy at all because it annoyed you. It isn't sad either. Thank you, idiots of the world, who keep mixing up words.  
  
Since I know so much about old languages do I read Shakespeare? No. Arabic is a modern day language. Very common in Arabia, Iraq, Iran, Turkey, Palestine, etc. In Egypt, they have a slang version of Arabic so America isn't the only country with slang. Old English is another matter. I picked that up from Ryou.   
  
******  
  
Random thought of the day: Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.  
  
End random thought.  
  
******  
  
Whoever brought up the Ouija Board topic, I think everyone already knew the dub is a rip off. For those of you who haven't already heard, the original (and much better, uncut, jap) version was D-E-A-T-H. Not, F-I-N-A-L. That is probably the worst change they could make in the entire dubbed version. That and cutting out the dagger out of the Mill. Rod and having Yami Malik send eveyone to the shadow realm instead. And they changed it simply because the show is now for any kid who watches WB. ...I would so much rather have the show be uncut and on late night Adult Swim or TechTV or something. They cut out my ripping out the Mill. Eye! I didn't even get to lick it afterwards! Grr... the dub makes me angry. Subs over dubs.  
  
******  
  
Am I a pyromaniac? Am I obsessed with fire and flamethrowers and the such? In my free time, somewhat. Catching ant hills on fire is fun.  
  
...In Egypt the footwear was usually sandals. Those who saw the manga noticed I was wearing slipper like linen things. Um, like I said, the clothing and hair was totally historically inacurate. But for those who are curious, always wear comfortable footwear you can run in and take tight corners in.  
  
The second best thing I ever stole? A cool dagger. Found it in a tomb. It wasn't Egyptian, so it was probably something that was won from another country. It was an awesome dagger, too bad I don't have it anymore.  
  
******  
  
rules: Never mix politics or common sense with religion. If they laugh at you 'cause you're different, laugh back at them because they're all the same. Comfortable foot wear is a must. 


	10. more ranting trypical junk, i like being...

...Why have I not been updating? I don't seem to think half you damn mortals deserve it. The purpose of this rulebook and has been taken, ripped up and reused in so many copy-cat guidebooks you wouldn't believe it. Which is why I'm just going to ignore all the others. If they don't like they can take it up with me and since I'm putting this on my website anyways, it doesn't matter.  
  
By the way, my website is at http://geocities.com/divine_otaku if you want to ask me a question.  
  
*paces irritably* Someone ask me a damn question already. I'm going to end up repeating myself if I have to rant. I know you all love my ranting, but that's just going to have to wait until I've got a topic. *looks around*  
  
Ok. I've got an idea now.  
  
**********  
  
You've all noticed my unique obsession with blood, torture and licking knives, I'm sure. I see it in your fanfics. However, through the minor misconception of giving me, the pharaoh, and psycho Malik seperate bodies from our hosts has given us a new place in your fics that we've never had in the anime or manga.   
  
On the topic of me abusing poor litle hikari Ryou.... I actually prefer him being simply scared of me and letting me have my way. Unless he actually tries to stop me from hurting his friends or mudering some unsuspecting mortals, I ignore him and send him to the shadow realm. When he does make the mistake of trying to contain and control me, I do torture him even after he begs me to stop. I show him I don't care an ounce about him, and there's no way I'm letting a weakling like him overpower me.  
  
But the fact of the matter is, I don't have a seperate body. Ryou'd be long dead if I did. When I find a new host, preferably next time a soul-less body, I will kill him for every time he's betrayed me unless he gives me reason not to.   
  
On the topic of my love life, stay out. I've said it before. I don't like anyone and even I did I wouldn't tell any of you. I wanna tell all you that maybe I ENJOY being single. Love is a weakness. Why ~would~ I like my hikari? He's too scared of me to be any good at anything. And I wouldn't like Malik or his pyscho yami because they tried to cheat me out of the Millennium Items and tried to kill me. Everyone else is too goody-goody to go near without loud headphones and heavy metal music. Everyone else rants about friendship and love and peace. If I'm going to have a relationship with anyone it's going to be out of mutural respect or because I've got domination over the other. I let no one control me. You hear that, you sicko fanfiction writers?!  
  
(Celes: I don't mind reading fanfics with yaoi. ^_^)  
  
(Bakura: Of course you don't. Your a sicko too and you don't care that I hate everyone who doesn't see my way.)  
  
(Celes: ^_^ Yup.)  
  
(Bakura: *death glare of doom* Shut up and get out my rulebook, mortal.)  
  
(Celes: EEP!)  
  
******  
  
So there you have it. Virtually the last chapter unless you want to beg me to write more AND give me a topic. 


	11. blood thirsty me, never steal clothes wi...

All right, thanks for the ideas. I think I've got plenty to work on now. As a starting note, I'm just going say: Never dress up like a crocodile just to find unsuspecting prey to rip to shreds just to see blood or you'll find yourself the next day in the zoo cause that stupid Steve Irwon The Crocodile Hunter put you there!   
  
Okay, to the same person who sent me that, I have to answer their question. When did I first become blood thirsty? That's a very good question considering I hated blood as a little kid, yet I'm so eager to lick bloody knives and stuff now. Well, there is a difference between being a murderer and being bloodthirsty. In Egypt I killed several guards, a priest or two, and a few...people by accident. Though their reincarnations claim otherwise..... *ahem*  
  
Quite actually, I became blood thirsty while waiting in the ring. Somewhere in-between not being able to kill myself and singing "Henry the Eighth I Am!" for the seven zillionth time (what, you think Ryou was my only host? I had one every thousand years in misc. places. I killed the first one on accident. And... I only get to be with a host for 21 years and then I go back to the ring for some reason. Don't know. Stupid magic.), I think I had an obsession with blood. I couldn't kill myself by bleeding to death. I'd cut myself open, ram into walls, be a bloody insane laughing mess and wake up the next (morning? it was hard to tell) somehow healed and clean.  
  
Since I had no phobias about blood, and other people did, why not freak them out? Why not suck their souls out? Why not kill them? Why should I care about THEIR misfortune? I think that answers your question, ne?  
  
**************  
  
Rules for surviving the lands of Egypt:   
  
One. Water is precious. Do not spill it, share it, or sell it. Drink when needed. Two. Don't go out during the afternoon, you'll die of heat exhaustion. Three. Don't admit you're a tomb robber when question.  
  
*************  
  
Wherever did my cool knife go? It's stuck in my soul room, lodged to the wall. I tried pulling it out years ago. It's just a wall decoration now.... *sighs*  
  
Oh, and I had several partners in crime. Some died off quicker than others. Some got caught, betrayed me, or ran off with their girlfriends or some such thing. Well, I don't know if I've mentioned it or not, but I did own a bar. It was a sort of "club house/hang out" place thing. Malik kept everyone from killing eachother, but made sure they were still half sane with drunk silly. Malik wasn't much for tomb robbing with me, he was just someone to talk to.   
  
So anyway, I was the rebel leader, I had many followers. They were all partners, I never took advantage of them unless I had to. I did work alone most of the time, unless I needed outside help. It's safer when you have no one holding you back.  
  
*************  
  
Sports: Fun to watch from the warmth of your living room, not fun to watch when on the bleachers on a rainy day. Actually doing it? Pointless unless there's money involved.  
  
**************  
  
Dubs. Love 'em or Hate 'em?   
  
Hate 'em. Except for the episode where Yami Marik duels Mai. Yami Marik's late and when he shows up Mai goes "Speak of the freak show." I got a crack out of that.   
  
They cut to much out. I know, I see the Japanese version. You don't see me licking the eye, pulling the IV tube out of my arm, beating up the guy for his duel disk, threatening another guy in a really low voice, Bonez and his buddies melting and me cursing them all to hell, me eating steak and saying "blood just isn't enough," or Dark Necrofear's doll or it melting when it's destroyed..... How long must I go on? They cut my parts out more than they do Yami Marik's. And his dub voice is horrible.  
  
And that thing during the duel between Yami Yugi and Strings. Yugi and his yami didn't go "You tell him, yami!" "I just did." "Oh. Well. Tell 'em again!" That never took place. It was in the original, "Be careful, yami!" "Why so?" "He's got a god card!" "God card? *laughs* I can defeat god!!!"  
  
*ahem* I don't like the dub. But I watch the new episodes anyways. I hate filler arcs. Won't watch those.  
  
Oh, and anime and manga ARE for kids. In America. Where their subbed and dubbed and flopped all to hell so little kids and their parents won't be offended. With the exception of Adult Swim and some of the teen mangas like Inuyasha and, yes, even the Yu-Gi-Oh manga has all the blood, drinking, drugs, and violence it's suppossed to.  
  
In Japan, big difference.... Not just for little kids anymore. Just about all age groups. That, and the neat thing is, you can do fan mangas called Doujinshi which work just like fanfics except you can sell them. Pretty cool? Makes you all jealous, ne?  
  
************  
  
Plans for world domination? I get most of my brainstorms for those during Ryou's Economy and Civics classes.... Did you know if the president, vice president, and their entire cabinet die off (mysteriously) that they don't have a replacement and they have to elect a new one? Besides. The bathroom fishy tiles will destroy them all anyway, no need to worry.  
  
Can openers are evil because they don't work! They have magnets. The only good ones are the ones with knife sharpeners! I also hate pencil sharpeners. They hate me too! Grr....  
  
Cats were worshipped in Egypt. So were wild dogs. Depending on if you want something cutecuddly/visciousbig I don't really care which is better. It's all in the eye of the beholder.  
  
And yes, the industries are brainwashing the ignorant masses with commercials with subliminal masses.  
  
********  
  
My hair? What about my hair Shade? Sports gel, Dep brand, 10 strength. With purple highlights. Don't ask why it's white because I was just born that way. I'm not technically albino. Albinos can't have tans. I had a tan in Egypt. RYOU might be albino though, I'm not sure....  
  
When stealing clothes from a store...you go to the changing room. Dress in new clothes. Take off all tags and buzzers. BE CAREFUL with the buzzers. Especially the ink ones. Unless those gothic clothes your stealing are black, you'll have big blue stains on your jeans where you ripped off the buzzer. They are filled with ink for shoplifters like us to have a hard time. I advice not stealing clothes from malls. Get someone else to do it for you.  
  
***********  
  
My obsession with spirits? Has to do with my past life... Kru-elna. Besides. Spirits won't turn on me, I am a spirit. I'm not dead. I'm not alive. I'm not in limbo... I'm just here.   
  
Oh and did you know that whenever I get a new host I become age 14 and when I hit age 21 again my time with the host is up and the ring disappears and I go back to it. It's something not really covered. It's someone no-one would really know either, so don't correct me on it.  
  
**********  
  
Now for some misc rules...  
  
When someone asks you if you're dangerous, say no. Always say no.  
  
Never admit you're a tomb robber when questioned.  
  
Don't steal clothes with ink buzzers.  
  
Never steal from a thief.  
  
Notes: Yah. I updated. Happy now, people? Yes. Good. 


	12. on the topic of music, fangirls, and sne...

New chapter already? Gee, that was quick.   
  
If the doctor (or dentist, ra forbid) calls you in after an hour of waiting and makes a snide comment hoping that you weren't kept waiting too long, your sarcastic reply should be subtle so as not to encourage the doctor to physically hurt you while examining you.   
  
Hmmm? And you know what. I sort of like all this. I get to sit here and rant all I want, and I know people might actually listen. Say... what would you people do without a government? What would you do to people under you, and what would people over you do to you that you wouldn't want them to?  
  
Oh. And let me tell you-  
  
ryou: No. I want to tell them.  
  
...okay. Fine. Hurry Up.  
  
ryou: Well I'm not going to tell them if you demand me too-  
  
*pulls out a knife* Either tell them or leave.  
  
ryou: ....*whimpers* Whatchya gonna do with that knife?  
  
*licks it*  
  
ryou: AAAaaaaaack... *shudders* There he goes licking knives again!!! *shudders again* You know how many times he's actually cut himself accidentally?! Better yet, ME, because it's my body!! It's gross... *shudders and walks off*  
  
Good. He won't have to tell you.  
  
**************  
  
On the topic of music.  
  
What do I listen to? Variety of things. Depends on my mood. If I'm angry, it's some sort of heavy metal music. Crazytown. If I'm in a semi-good I usually listen to Linkin Park, but, so does Ryou sometimes. Good Charlotte... only a few songs. Ones that remind me of my past. I also listen to Evanescence somewhat, Nickleback, 3 Doors Down, Boomkat (gotta love the Wreckoning), and other stuff.  
  
Slang terms these days. Yah. Don't mind them. In Egypt the priests had a certain "high supreme" way of talking to eachother. But its not like you had to pronunciate and say every word in a sentence to get your point across. I never did. I always talked slang in Egypt. Even in modern day Egypt, their Arabic has a slang slant to it. The common day people would prefer you talk like they do rather than what your "Learning to Speak Arabic in the Middle East" handbook tells you to.  
  
Well, English teachers have replaced the priests. I talk slang, but however, I don't use computer shortcut lingo. If you've ever actually IMed me, the most you'll get out of me is lmao, lol, or brb. It's all I do. I think people who do stuff like "I saw her 2day @ the mall" sound very unintelligent, ne?  
  
************  
  
There are three types of fangirls. Fangirls who bug me, glomp me, and think I'm sexy. Fangirls who offer to kill the other fangirls and say their reincarnations. And fangirls who leave me alone, but review my rants.  
  
I prefer the third, leave me alone, kind. The second aren't that bad. But honestly, how can you possible think you can kill ALL the other fangirls out there that are trying to kill you? It's the problem. I can't have a harem because they'd all kill eachother... sad...  
  
Why can't fangirls see that I LIKE being single. And I CAN'T be with just one person without blowing off the rest of you. So, forget it, either get along and start a harem, or admire me from a far like fangirl group number three.  
  
***********  
  
I've run across several pairings in fanfics, yaoi or otherwise, where I'd sooner KILL the person or myself than let them even touch me. (And of course, 'sues don't count. I'd always rather kill myself.) Not that I'm against all of them, all you people who like pairing me off with yourself or some other canon character, go ahead, sure.   
  
Oh. And, yes, Pegasus is a pervert. When he goes Yugi-boy he's really going Yugi-kun. It would be BETTER if he went Mouto-san or something. If I ever caught him calling me Bakura-boy I'd rip his throat out and sacrifice him to Seth so the god of chaos can finish him off.  
  
Do I sleep with a teddy bear? Blanket? Anything? No.  
  
...though, my old red coat is a keepsake that I keep in my soulroom.  
  
My favorite type of soda? Dr. Pepper. I hate citrus drinks like seven up and sprite and lemon-limey stuff that looks like water but tastes otherwise. I also don't like root beer. It has alot of caramel that melts in an uncomfortable way in the back of my throat when I drink it. Bad after taste, too.  
  
Oh. And actually, they didn't cut the first series. At least, not JUST in America. It played no where else either. It was deemed to violent even in Japan. A few episodes of it run in October around six years back, but they never went through with it. You can only find screenshots on some very neat sites like kokorononaka or go and attempt to find the dvds. Very rare. And if you happen to get ahold of one, send it to me. I wanna see myself stab my hand in the castle spire... I have yet to find screenshots of that...  
  
***********  
  
Have I ever snuck into Pharaoh Atemu's palace? *laughs* Finally! A decent question! Yes, I have.  
  
Once I had a conversation with him once. I had gotten captured (Yes, you think I didn't get captured? It just so happens I did. Mostly because I bragged too much. But anyways, I'm a master escape artist.) and before they locked me up so they had time to think of what cruel punishment they should do unto me, Atemu came up to me (me being shackled to the wall) and held up a bag of coins and pulled several out and waved them in front of my face.  
  
"This," he said, "Is more solid gold than you have probably ever seen in your entire life. And its the REWARD that goes to your captor should you happen to escape again!!"  
  
I knew I couldn't out run a reward like that in the city down town, so I shrugged it off and decided to escape, then, pack up and leave to Naquada for a while. But the funny thing was, I had seen more gold than that.   
  
One night I had snuck into the palace and slept an entire night inside Atemu's treasure chamber on top of a gold leopard bench stacked on top of some baskets full of precious jewels and gems and gold. And more gold surrounded that. It was an uncomfortable night, but I came out with pockets full of riches. But I didn't say so outloud...  
  
And to those who were wondering how he got his hair to stand up without gel... it was scented fish eggs, finely squished and dyed. He washed it out every night, and then got it "gelled" again in the morning while being hand fed and getting between his toes scrubbed. So hah. There's his little secret.  
  
*************  
  
Aino Tora. Just say sorry to your hikari's mum, and if it doesn't work, then you can go poison the clerk at the grocery store, steal all the food you can carry and live out in the woods for a while. By the way, what DID you do?  
  
*************  
  
Continue giving me ideas and you'll get the chapter sooner. I just love ranting, maybe my host doesn't understand it, but I think it's the most effective way to gain some "allies" and "trust" and "friends" which are good for taking over the world. This is all just a test for my master plan. And my master plan? Take over tv commercial time. Then I can brainwash the people.  
  
On a final note: Sporks or forks? Sporks. Name sounds better. 


	13. rants, stuff on my hosts, and okay, okay...

First I wanna say, I'm not mad at any of ya. Your not worth it. So... because my hikari insists I apologize... "Sorry." There. *shudders* DON'T ANY OF YOU EVER MAKE ME SAY THAT FRIGGIN WORD EVER AGAIN! *growls* I need to take some energy out on someone else now... (Which means, don't read the next section.)  
  
*********rant on the evils of flamers***  
  
Ever since I started writing this rulebook, some people have been constantly trying my patience. Oh well. Mortals are ever so easily ignored. Hah. Wouldn't the world be a horrible place if the smart ones actually listens to the ones who thought they were smart? Heh.  
  
*yawns and stretches* I'm sure most all of more loyal of you would be happy to take care of the said problems, but, nevertheless, if the "helpful" reviewers (flamers who just happen to say their not flamers) want to waste their EVER SO precious time reviewing and correcting me, sure. Let them. Maybe I'd a like a personal slave-er-editor.  
  
*rethinks that* Actually, I'm perfectly self-sufficient. I'm not here to elaborate facts about the series and junk. If they wanted solid info, of course they wouldn't look HERE. When I'm ranting and comparing the dub to the original, I'm usually using words such as "about" and "probably" which goes to show I wasn't trying to give facts anyway, just estimated times and more probable reasons. If I'm not allowed to use my brain to think, I'm suing god. I've got my own opinions on why they didn't air the original Japanese versions.   
  
*muttering* And why the fuck should I care? That's just it. I don't. So take your EVER SO precious time else where.  
  
Maybe I just consider the "helpful" reviewers who go from yelling about your grammar and facts to saying some sort of no offense rant flamers... It's common courtesy when you review to go "This is a great story! (hell, even if its not, its a nice thing to say, especially to new authors) but you might wanna see if you kind find a spell check someplace. ^_^;; This is coming along nicely as it is, by the way, did you know if you go to settings you can make it so even anonymous people can leave reviews? It really adds up! Write more!"   
  
You always have to be nice. Always. Or else you get people like me, who spend half their "authors notes" at the beginning of their chapters ranting about how rude you are. Just a warning.   
  
The good news... soon, I'm moving my rulebook elsewhere. My own website. That way you can leave reviews much easier. Or flames. And there, on my site, if you flame, I'll cuss you out even more and you won't be able to do a THING about it. Bwahaha! Besides. Even if one of you delete my story, my loyal fans have a copy, willing to lend it to me so I can post it back up on...perhaps... another pen name? I could always use a new host body....   
  
*******rant over, continue fic as normal***  
  
My favorite magazine... Actually, I don't read magazines. Sorry, but I use that time plotting to get the puzzle.  
  
I need a valid reason for the puzzle.  
  
Honestly. Pharaoh is being a jerk. So now I know it wasn't HIS fault in particular Kru-elna was destroyed. And he knows it wasn't his fault either. So what? Why won't he just lend me the puzzle anyway so I can use it? Hmmm?! It's not like I'm gonna murder anyone.  
  
Is he so greedy that he thinks the items will use up their powers and come back useless?   
  
It's not so much I want the items for revenge anymore, and that's the truth. It's not pharaohs fault. He was only like, what? Five at the time? But he's got to understand... the only reason I still HATE his guts is that he was the one who cursed me to the Ring for all eternity. I can't even kill myself.  
  
Yah.... I can feel pain. But I don't have to if I don't want to. I'm so used to it it's pleasureful. (is pleasureful a word? ....eh...oh well.)*shrugs and nods* I could fall asleep in a big puddle of my own blood and wake up like nothing happened. And they'd be no evidence... the Ring is strange like that.  
  
Now some of you would find that just plain disturbing. But now I'm going to give you something to really make you feel sorry for me.  
  
Have you ever been so hungry it hurt so much that you couldn't sleep and tossed and turned all night? Well.... I had no food in the Ring. Obviously. I starved. I couldn't die, but I starved, and it was painful. But since it was such a common occurrence after a while, I developed a high tolerance to it.  
  
Food is such a luxury... Don't have to eat, but, damn, I missed food, must eat more.  
  
*******  
  
Ah... heh. You assume I'm a non-yaoi fan. Well, listen up. In Egypt, it wouldn't have made a difference. It still doesn't. I just prefer to remain single for all my purposes. I dislike people who are anti with things such as yaoi simply because they have no reason to be STEREOTYPING the rest of us. Millions of people take offense to your anti-same gender relations. I'm am indifferent, I just prefer to be single. Or at least, appear to remain single.  
  
Even if I was with someone, it would put them in danger... All you fangirls are rabid sometimes, you know this don't you? It's an obvious weakness to have a loved one in danger. I'm one for making sure I appear to have no weakness to anything. You all should too. I'm sure there's more thrill to keeping secrets anyways. *small grin* Not that I would know, me being single, right?  
  
*******   
  
Oh? And no one assumed Ryou *wasn't* my first host? It just so happens I've had three others. The first one died within the first fifteen minutes. Um... that was an accident on my part. He wasn't willing to listen to voices in his head anyways. The second lasted about two hours.  
  
The second was a thief who'd stolen my Ring. I thought about it for a while. But his arrogance really bugged me, and NO ONE is allowed to steal from the Thief King. Never steal from a fellow thief. The consequences are deadly if you aren't a friend who's kidding around. So yah... killed him off.  
  
The third one was much older in stature. He was a tall, muscular guy, around thirty-eight. He lasted two horrid months. He pushed me around whenever I attained physical form to try and get the Ring to some more preferable host. I don't like being pushed around, taken advantage of, or locked up against my will. He began to understand this. The shadow realm scared the piss out of him, and when I murdered some random guy just so he'd get sent to prison, he saw it was my doing. But he couldn't push me around while he was in prison.   
  
In physical form, when I can spare the energy to do so, others may or may not be able to see me. And I may or may not be able to walk through solid objects.   
  
Anyway, I teased the third guy, who preceded in using his own brute force for the billionth time against me, his one advantage over me, to shove me into the cell bars. I passed right through and laugh at him. He demanded that since I could get out I should help him. and then what? Be kiss his feet? Hah. I killed him almost on the spot. Living in Spain wasn't fun anyway. I knew they'd be a new host... sometime within the next millennium.  
  
So there in brief summary were my other hosts you'll never hear about from any source. Except for a brief mention of the second one sometime... *thinks* Shadi must have learned of it, he was in charge of making sure the items weren't lost to time.  
  
Most recently, there is Ryou. He was my youngest host yet. And times had changed dramatically since the last one. And I didn't want to be taken advantage of. I wanted to live "again" longer this time, shape him into the model host.   
  
...and much later, now, I look back on that and see that wasn't "right" in the sense of the word. I shouldn't have done anything I'd done. I realized just how much I needed him, even though he betrayed me constantly. And going after Mokuba's body was rather foolish of me as well. If his soul came back, he would have grown up the same way Ryou did, and he would betray me eventually too. He was small and useless for my cause anyways.  
  
There's alot to say on the topic of Ryou... but I won't go into everything right this moment.  
  
*********  
  
As someone brought up, there was plenty of incest in Egypt to keep the royal blood flowing. Too bad all that interbreeding made them all go weird. And as you may have guessed, perhaps, that's the reason pharaoh is so short. I mean, come on, he's two feet smaller than Seto...  
  
Some stuff quoted from reviews...  
  
Never underestimate any teachers. Especially since they'll chew your head off for talking in class. (No kidding... thanks Jen. And by the way, sorry, but I don't do house calls, I can't get rid of Leon or Rikku for you.)  
  
The evils of demanding parents... and how to deal with them. (How to deal with them? Do as they say, but demand something in return. Cash, ice cream, books, something.... Start small, get big. Like, start with socks... something practical.)  
  
How do you exactly decorate a white, empty room? (Easy, you use shadow magic, make it a dark, empty room, and then layer it with wide stairs, and lots of shelves with gold artifacts. And your bed being nothing but a sweeping basket bed filled with all sorts of blood red pillows. Hmmm.. wonder if they started off white.. I can't remember...)  
  
********  
  
Yes, the manga is the original version. The first series is based off the manga. One difference. The anime first series has Miho. And in the manga, she was nonexistent except for her being known as Ribbon and Tristin liking her. If you want me to go into that... (Ra, please, say no) I will. And by the way, the same fangirls that hang off Duke Devlin (Otogi Ryuji) are the same ones that hung off of me and Ryou a few years earlier.  
  
*******  
  
Oh wow. This chapter is over already?   
  
To really live, you have to be willing to die.  
  
One sure way to make a person worry is to tell them not to.  
  
Conversation is the art of telling people a little less than what they want to know of you.  
  
Don't explain yourself. Your allies shouldn't need it, and your enemies won't believe you anyways.  
  
**********  
  
Final note....  
  
...yes, YES, I know. Ryou is NOT albino. I was only thinking about it. Pondering that even though its impossible for Bakura to albino because he had a tan in Egypt doesn't exactly mean Ryou can't be alino. Maybe that Bakura had magenta eyes in the first series is what set you all off, but he isn't albino... RYOU on the other hand.... Give me PROOF he ain't albino. Not Bakura. He's not. But what about Ryou? *shrugs* I don't care either way. 


	14. say yeah! ancient egypt was a down right...

Yes. Good. Thank you all so very much. You all agreed Ryou isn't albino... *rolls eyes* I'm just going to shut up on the topic of our hair. You wouldn't believe it if I stamped it on his forehead. A: There are different levels of albino-ness. B: Why the hell did you think he wore sweaters in duelist kingdom and everyone else wore lighter clothing? C: he could be wearing contacts you know.   
  
If you were albino, you would cover up as much skin as possible and where contacts would you not?  
  
*shuts up* I agree with you all anyways, Ryou isn't albino.   
  
And any tint our hair may be. Green, purple, pink, blue, whatever... all depends on the lighting. It is pure white down to the roots. In the first series it was blue and purple. In the second series it was silver. All else depends on lighting. Purple is most common meerly because I happen to be in the shadow realm alot.  
  
*******  
  
Oh, and a big thank you to all those who actually stuck around after I chewed you out for being too helpful. You all are very stong willed and admireable. In a world run by stupid people, you make up the other two percent. Have a nice day.  
  
*******  
  
There isn't a shortage as yamis for fangirls. All the yamis simply deny it. They're there. Behind every fangirl, there's a yami of sorts... Some reincarnation come back to bug me for not thanking them, accidentally killing them, leaving them, etc. *rolls eyes* Trust me. They're there.  
  
If you want to drop me a line on my site instead of as a review, I will link that shortly. For those of you who would rather be there NOW, go to ssc's bio thingie and look around.  
  
Hmmm...  
  
Ever notice that when someone tells you can't do something you want to do it even more? I do that all the time. I do it for the reason everyone says I shouldn't.  
  
Oh, random review question. Did I like anyone in Egypt?  
  
*is quiet for a while*  
  
No. And if you don't like that answer, it probably isn't true, but I'm saying No anyways that way people don't ask.   
  
Speaking of Egypt.... back then, legal age to marry was around thirteen. Maybe because life expectancy is only about 30 or less. Usually less. *shrugs* I used to live in upper Egypt so you know. In the nice big humble ra-be-damned city of Thebes. Well.. I lived there after Kruelna was destroyed.  
  
It was near the valley of the kings. No where near the pyramids. Nope. Kruelna was only around nine miles away up river anyways...Just before heading down (or is it up? the river confuses the issue) to the cataracts*.   
  
*Definition of cataracts: place where the Nile gets really narrow and twice fold deep.  
  
Off topic. Back to being in Thebes. You had the palace. (oooh... ahhh...) And then you had the city below it. The palace overshadowed the "bad" half of neighborhood. In that bad half was a little bar me and Malik so named "Thieve's Realm" but in Egypt, that had many different literal translations, being as we were the rebel leaders against the pharaoh.  
  
The bar was at the end of the road, behind it was the city wall. Down the road you had several houses, a certain one with five or six girls (....all look-alikes, twins... but i'm not sure what the world for having that many twins are). They were the equivilant of modern day fangirls. The type that admire you from affar, but would do anything to tie you up and hold you hostage in their closet....   
  
The girls, anyways, whenever some activity would be happening in the street that had to do with me, they'd ALL be there, hanging out their upstairs window (kind of like in the movie Aladdin) and giggle like nuts. I'd roll my eyes and ignore them best I could. I avoided them whenever they came to the bar... hid in the back room.  
  
On one such occasion, young pharaoh Atemu was having a parade and I was on the roof across the street watching with my eyebrows raised at how stupid the pharaoh was in marching straight down MY section of town. We didn't do anything, but he was rather humilated when no one came out to cheer, and then I jumped down in front of his horses, they freaked and reared up, and everyone yelled and then it all got real quiet...  
  
"Its the thief Bakura! Catch the thief!! THIEF!"  
  
I'd roll my eyes again.  
  
I'd throw my arms up in the air and say something stupid like, "Hey look at me! I'm wanted dead or alive and I'm still more popular than the pharaoh!"  
  
Lots of cheers from the people I knew on the street. The girls all screamed and probably died giggling. Good riddance. I'd then run off into the bar, out the back door, over the wall, and out of town for a few days and hide out in my "secret" oasis out in the middle of no where.  
  
The end. (And I lived happily ever after.)  
  
*******   
  
Do I believe in alternate realms? Of course. The soul rooms are another realm entirely, no? And the shadow realm, and the after realm, and the hell realm, and the... etc... etc... Comes with coming from a time where people believed all sorts of stuff.  
  
Why does my hair stick up (like rabbit ears as some say *glares*) whenever I control my host? Why? Well, because I like it that way. I'm sure you all simply want to know how I do it, but you know what? The demons in hell want ice water. I just like my hair how it is, and so should you, 'cause it ain't changing.  
  
Oh, and to the reviewer that sent that, you don't want to glomp me for fear of having your limbs torn off, yet you STILL make fun of my hair? I don't mind being glomped occasionally, but how dare you make fun of MY hair!! If I ever find you on an empty street corner I'll-  
  
Ryou: Bakura, you won't do ANYTHING or else I'll tell Yugi and Yugi shall tell his other half, and then you'd be the one in trouble.  
  
.......oh shut up Ryou, thats a lame excuse for a threat. *gives up* So I won't rip the reviewer limb from limb, I just don't understand them. Oh well. *Thanks* for the question. *glares at his host*  
  
Ryou: ....eep! *is gone*  
  
*******  
  
By the way, in Egypt, if you were hungry, and it wasn't national cow month, you could always order steak on a stick. What's that? Well simple. They kill the cow, hang it upside down over the fire for about two minutes and hand it to you half raw. Mmmm, mmm, good.  
  
And raw meat is good for you if you know what animal to get it from. Don't touch raw pork or poultry and fish... 'cept for sushi, but thats another story entirely. Raw steak is good because your body can't digest it quickly. You stay full longer, and its full of iron and protein. Good for your brain, your blood, and your strength and stamina. All around good for you.  
  
Now you see. I have a perfectly reasonable reason for eating raw meat. Blood just isn't enough. Heh...  
  
*******  
  
Some random rules:  
  
To be willing to really live, you must be willing to die.  
  
One sure way to make a person worry is to tell them not to.  
  
Conversation is the art of telling people a little less than what they want to know of you.  
  
You can always trust a dishonest person to be dishonest. It's the honest ones you really have to worry about.  
  
You laugh at me 'cause I'm different, I laugh at you because you fools are all the same.  
  
***  
  
Of all the ten plagues in Egypt, I have found something entirely worse. I will give you all five guesses. First one or two to get it win... um.... absolutely nothing. What is worse than the ten plagues in my mind? Feel free to answer in a review... 


End file.
